Cultivating desire
“There is a law in psychology that if you form a picture in your mind of what you would like to be, and you keep and hold that picture there long enough, you will soon become exactly as you have been thinking.”
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William James (1842-1910)
One of the primary reasons for the unhappiness and chaos we experience in the world today is our society’s deep misunderstanding about the nature of desire. In all but the most enlightened of families, our vision for life is largely imposed on us by parents, our educational system, community and advertisers.
Daydreaming and solitude is discouraged; compliant conformation is rewarded. Desire is even considered selfish, a distraction from our duties to family and society. We are encouraged to be good consumers, but are expected to want what everyone wants: a nice house full of Martha Stewart-approved furnishings and gadgets, a mini-van or SUV, and regular vacations to “get away from it all.”
This confusion all but guarantees that most of us will move through life powerless to create our own happiness, and most tragically, unable to find and fulfill the purpose for which we were born. Instead, we spend our lives reacting to events and the demands of our body, family and society, nagged by the suspicion that “there must be more to life to than this”
A cure for the common life of “quiet desperation” is within our reach, but we must begin by learning to listen to our heart’s desire. The following exercises can help clarify and define our desire, and eventually, our vision.
Once our vision is defined, of course, anything is possible — including our best life.
Exercise 1: Ask the child you once were.
All but the most desperate children are terrible at prevarication, obfuscation and other truth-bending exercises. Therefore, when we finally decide to figure out what it is we really desire out of our precious lives, it is natural to look first to the children we once were.
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If you can find them, dig out your old report cards. Pay particular attention to your teacher’s comments: were you a social butterfly or an introvert? Did you excel at art and fail at science, or shine in social studies and struggle through math? Don’t worry about your grades: as people such as Albert Einstein have demonstrated, excellent grades only prove that you are good at school, not that you are intelligent or good at life. Instead, compare your grades in each subject to those in other subjects. As you do, imagine writing a letter to the Board of Education, telling them what worked for you in school and what didn’t. Did you come alive while studying Romeo and Juliet? Was there a teacher whose teaching style reached you most meaningfully? What projects do you remember, and what was it that you loved or hated about them?
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Think about a time in your childhood that you remember most vividly. Imagining yourself as that child, write a letter to your current, adult self, explaining what it is you most like to do, why, and where you most like to do it. Write about the adults in your life, the people you most admire, and the qualities they have that you would like your adult self to have.
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Make a list of the toys and games you can remember having as a child. What was it about them that you loved? What activities did you use them for? For example, if you had a favourite Barbie or GI Joe, what adventures did they have? If your favourite toy was a Meccano set, what was it you enjoyed so much about building?
Exercise 2: Become your own caregiver.
When we are raised to believe that taking good care of ourselves and meeting our own needs is selfish, even thinking about what we need in order to thrive can create anxiety. To bypass that anxiety and think more creatively, imagine that you are the victim of a condition that is going to rob you of your ability to communicate. (Your physical health and mobility will otherwise be unimpaired.)
Now, imagine that you have hired a care provider to communicate with the rest of the world for you, and you have only a few days to tell them everything they need to know about you, your talents and abilities, your strengths and weaknesses, and your preferences.
In a notebook, create lists, on separate pages, of the following:
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My talents (things I am naturally good at):
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My abilities (things I have learned to do):
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My strengths (character traits that serve me and other people well):
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My weaknesses (traits that tend to get in my way: often, the extreme of our strengths — good organizers may be controlling, for example, and great problem-solvers may be too quick to give advice):
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Things I love to do:
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Things I love to have, taste, see, hear, and touch:
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Things that are most important to me (for example: family, learning, physical health and vitality):
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Things I just don’t care about (for example: opera, sports events, owning a sports car):
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Things I would like other people to notice about me:
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Things I would like to change in myself:
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Things I admire most in other people, and why:
Don’t be afraid to add detail and colour to your notebook with magazine clippings, photos, and artwork. The more colour and detail, the more power.
Exercise 3 Design your perfect day.
Life is not comprised of spectacular events and milestones, but of the myriad moments between waking and sleep. The quality of our life is not defined by the labels other people attach, the figure in our bankbook, or even by our achievements, but by our ability to enjoy and be fruitful in the present.
Therefore, to design our best life, we must begin by designing our best day.
Answer the following questions:
Where?
Where do you live, work and play? Rural or urban? Light-filled and spacious or dim and cozy? In view of the ocean or in a small town on the prairies? Surrounded by high tech equipment or at an antique desk with a fountain pen? In a home office or in a penthouse office in a downtown tower?
Who?
Who are the people in your life (professional and personal) and what defines your relationships with them? What qualities do they demonstrate? What values do you share?
When? Are you a night owl or morning lark? When do you work, play, and rest? Do you work three hours a day, seven days a week, or 10 hours a day four days a week?
What? What are the activities of your day? Break them down: if you are writing, what are you writing, and who is your audience? If you are teaching, what are you teaching, and to whom? If you are building or repairing, what and for whom? What gift do you give to the people you meet?
Why? Everything we do must be motivated by something. If we remove financial survival from the equation, we often reveal what lies beneath, the ‘why’ behind our life’s work. For example, I am a writer, in order to give people information that I believe will enhance the quality of their lives.
Exercise 4: Cultivate Gratitude and Practice Coherent Behavior
If we want more of something in our lives, we must cultivate whatever small amount we have in our life now.
Consider our relationships: if your husband or wife doesn’t treat you the way you’d like to be treated, nagging them to treat you better is almost certain to achieve the exact opposite of your intended result. If you consistently thank and praise them for the efforts they do make, on the other hand, it is very likely you will see more of that kind of behavior as a result. If your children are failing academically, telling them that they are stupid and lazy will ensure further failure — but if you consistently give them opportunities to succeed, actively notice each time they do, and communicate your faith in their potential and ability, improvement is assured.
These same ‘laws’ of attraction are at work in our material lives. One obvious example is the “magic” of compound returns. Money that we have managed to save attracts returns, and the compounding effect over time is astounding. The same is true in reverse when we borrow money — the longer the term, the more of our money that flows away on interest payments.
Like attracts like — and what is rewarded, gets repeated.
Our behavior is our most powerful communication tool. Through it, we communicate our desires to the world, thus allowing the world to assist us in achieving them.
Although we may be able to verbally articulate our vision, if we act in ways that are contrary to the life we wish to achieve, it isn’t going to happen. Even the smallest changes in our behavior, however, can change our life in miraculous ways over time.
A. Once you have been able to articulate your desires and your vision for your best life, write it out using the method pioneered by Robert Fritz, author of The Path of Least Resistance.
First, using as much concrete detail as possible, describe your desire or vision. (”A new car” has no power as a vision. But “a robin’s egg blue 1985 Volkswagen Beetle with immaculate white leather interior, less than 100,000 kms on it, perfect running condition and exterior, for less than $4,000″ is a desire with oomph.)
Next, describe your “current reality.” Be brutally honest — remember, this is your foundation, so it doesn’t matter where you are, but it is crucial that you know where you are. For example, “I have a piece-of-garbage” (Remember, don’t disparage the place you are now!) “I have a functional but less than beautiful 1985 Hyundai Pony with lots of rust and a moth-eaten interior. I have $1,500 saved toward the purchase of a new car, and I have no idea how to find the beauty I want to buy.”
Finally, define your “action steps.” What are you going to have to do in order to move from current reality or vision? List as many actions as you can think of that would move you toward your goal.
For example:
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I’m going to deposit $150 per month into my Beetle savings account
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I’m going to spend one hour per week online, looking for Beetle auctions, Beetle advertisements, Beetle information clippings, Beetle clubs, and Beetle owners.
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I’m going to make a point of telling everyone I know about the car I’m looking for.
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I’m going to check the newspaper classifieds every weekend.
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I’m going to get pre-approved for a $2,500 line of credit at my bank so that I can buy the car even if I haven’t saved all the money I need by the time I find it.
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I’m going to call my friend Tim, who used to own a robin’s egg blue Beetle with an immaculate white leather interior, and ask him whatever happened to that car.
If you are not taking “action steps” toward your vision, clearly, your behavior and your desires are not coherent. Ask yourself why — if you are not taking any steps to achieve your desires, you’re only dreaming.
B. Cultivate gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal and practicing “walking gratitude mediations.”
When you awake each morning, make your first thought of the day about something you have to be grateful for in the day ahead. On some days, it may only be a hot shower and a good cup of coffee, but there will also be days that the list is long. Then, even before that great shower and coffee, throw on a robe (unless you live alone and have no windows) and take a tour of your house, making a mental list of everything you have to be grateful for. A full refrigerator? Nice china? A comfortable chair? A cute photo of your nephew? Look outside — is it raining? Be thankful for the lush green. Is the sun shining? Be thankful. Tornado? Be thankful for your basement, and get down there!
If you can schedule a 20-minute walk in the morning, continue your walking gratitude meditation outside. A friendly neighbour? A beautiful garden? Snow in the mountains? A view of the park? You can feel the muscles under your skin moving smoothly and powerfully? Your sight is good? The birds are singing? You live in a lovely neighbourhood?
Happiness does not flow from what we have, but from how much we are able to see what we have. If we cannot appreciate the love, freedom, and riches we have in our life now, it is very unlikely we will be able to attract more into our life. Even more importantly, if we can’t appreciate the love, freedom, and riches we have in our life now, it doesn’t matter how much we have. It is our ability to appreciate that needs to change, not the volume.
Finally, before going to bed each night, write down at least three things that you have to be grateful for. Try and make this your last thought of the night — count blessings rather than sheep. If negative, fearful thoughts drift into your mind, envision wrapping them in a blanket of blessings and showing them kindly out your mental door. No problem was ever solved by worrying about it in the night — practice mental discipline and leave all problem-solving, mental conversations (you know, what you should have said) and catastrophe-spinning for the morning.